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Learning effective communication
skills calls for commitment --- commitment to yourself, to your partners in
communication, and to the relationship as a whole.
COMMUNICATION STARTER KIT
What follows are 7 important tools
to help build effective communication. As with any tools, the first challenge is
to learn how and when to use each tool. (A hammer is very important, but I don’t
want to use it to repair my eyeglasses.) And keep in mind that this is only a
starter set. You will hopefully be adding to this collection of tools for the
rest of your life.
The Tools:
1. Take Turns. Two separate agendas can seldom be accomplished at once.
Establish some ground rules that will insure that you will take enough time for
each of you to talk while the other is really listening.
2. Give Information. State your
perceptions and your feelings concisely and respectfully. Avoid “selling your
side” as the gospel truth, even when it feels that way to you. To resolve any
conflict, room must be made for at least two different perspectives. And
remember that emotions are subjective information, not open for debate (i.e.
“you shouldn’t feel guilty,” or “you have no right to be angry”).
3. Gather Information. You have a
responsibility in communication to do your share of listening, being receptive
to what your partner is saying, without immediately judging and categorizing.
Ask questions with curiosity, like a good interviewer. And --- here comes the
radical part --- listen to the answers. Too often we ask questions not to gather
information, but to make a point.
4. Problem Solve with Benevolence.
Be certain to clarify your intention (especially in conflict communication) as
seeking a satisfactory outcome for both of you. Find common ground on which to
base your communication (i.e. “We each want to be heard completely and
accurately,” and/or “We need to make a decision about . . . “) Avoid seeking
agreement about perceptions or feelings as a communication goal. There must be
room for both of you to win.
5. Future Orient to Problem Solve.
Those who forget the past are, in fact, doomed to repeat it. True. But those who
won’t let go of the past may also be contributing to its repetition. In conflict
communication it is best to state complaints about past behaviors clearly and
concisely, and then to “future orient.” That is, sink most of your energy into
describing and/or requesting what you want or need from your partner beginning
now. You must be willing to take the chance that your partner wants to and can
change along with you. (If you are not able to muster any faith that your
partner is willing and/or capable of change, you are probably not working on the
most serious problem in your relationship. Get some help.)
6. Take Breaks. Each of you must
have the authority to call time out. And each of you must learn to respect time
outs when they are called. Call time out when you recognize old, dysfunctional
patterns of communication taking over. (They seem to have a life of their own.)
When you call time out, it is imperative that you later initiate a time to talk
again. Don’t just leave it hanging.
7. Backtrack. This is my favorite
tool, probably because I have had to use it so often. All progress is not
forward. Sometimes the best you can do is stop mid-mistake, apologize and ask
for an opportunity to try again.
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